as if you only live once

Day 20: Rosa goes to Mardi Gras 2010 (part 1)

2010-03-04T02:07:00.000-08:00

I never 'do drag'! I don't feel comfortable dressing in women’s clothes because... I learned from an early age that being feminine or gay and feminine was not acceptable in a hetero sexual society, even today in male gay circles it is often frowned upon.
Doing drag has therefore become a big deal for me, conditioned out of me to such an extent that I feel I can't do it even if I wished to. Going in drag feels like a bad dream in which you suddenly realise you are not wearing any clothes in public!

So I gave myself the challenge to 'do' drag. First in a semi-private and 'safe' environment at the dress-up Christmas party at work, I took on 'Rosa', a cleaning lady as my character. I was nervous beyond belief. Afterwards I realised how liberating it was, but not liberating enough. It was only a first step in claiming back the power that I had lost by being fearful in many homophobic situations throughout my life.

With this first challenge completed it was time to take the next step: taking part in drag, in public, in the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade in Sydney, Australia AND fly there... in drag.

Thank God Air NZ put on a Pink Flight from Auckland to Sydney, not much of a challenge you may think, but... internal fear was still overwhelming. I made a doll, mini Rosa, as a 'stand-in' for Rosa on the domestic flight from Wellington to Auckland as I expected it to be an ordinary flight. Taking a dressed-up doll through check-in and on a 'normal flight' was in itself a challenge. Feel the fear and do it anyway I reminded myself again and again. I filmed the trip myself, producing plenty of shaky footage, but it is the proof that I did it. I am done now with the challenge, no longer carry the fear, I have claimed back the power I lost and feel soooo much better and stronger for it.

Part 2 featuring Rosa and Mini Rosa walking in the Parade and interacting with a 300.000 strong audience, clowning around as a cleaning lady removing 99.9% of all historical homophobia, in the crowd and of course myself will follow.

Big thanks to Air New Zealand for creating the Pink Flight with all its trimmings, and special thanks for the drag queens who escorted the passengers, you were my guardian angels. You were all fabulous! XXX.

Day 19: heard my favorite music, live in Wellington.

2010-01-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

Delighted to discover that there is a band playing my favorite music right here in Wellington. Looing forward to work with them, yay!

Day 18: New Buddha Statue

2009-12-07T01:57:00.000-08:00

I am not religeous, but I do like Buddhism a lot, as a phylosophy and I love Buddha statues. I recently bought this one for my outdoor space, it is rather large, the size I had been looking for for a long time. It was intended as an ornament and as a reminder of wonderful times spent among Tibetans, Tibetan monks and their monasteries. Someone once said to me, where ever there is an image of Buddha, Buddha energy will be present. Kind of odd as apparently Buddha never wanted any imagery of himself made for worship purposes. The first images that represented Buddha were symbols. Human shaped Buddha's came much later and probably Buddha looked nothing like that at all.

Yet, since I have this statue facing my cottage, I feel much better, a kind of peace that subtly seems to radiate from the statue. It is not a precious statue at all, just a lump of mortar shaped by a mould. It has not been blessed in any way, yet I feel it very different than the other statue besides it. I am really happy with this Buddha statue, surprisingly so. Maybe it is all in my amagination, but hey, my imagination is as much part of me as any other part. Maybe the mystery will reveal itself one day, in the mean time I will enjoy its presence. The landlord's dog Piper seems to agree and happily settle in front.

Day 17: Sinterklaas tradition

2009-11-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

Every year, Sint Nicolaas (Saint Nicolas) also called Sinterklaas, arrives in Holland mid November to celebrate his birthday (eve) on the 5th December. Traditionally he arrives by steamboat from Spain, where he normally lives. He is accompanied by zillions of Zwarte Pieten or "Black Peters", who are his assistants. They are a cross between a boogie man and a clown, scaring the kids as well as entertaining them. He rides on a white horse on rooftops, drops presents through the chimneys and may visit you on the 5th December. Gifting is done with lots of fun, anonymously. Gift can be disguised, can be jokes, can be used to hackle someone etc. Gifts are often accompanied with poems/ stories in rhyme form. There are many secular songs related to this folk fest that became the inspiration for Christmas and Santa in many other cultures. He is a clip from the official arrival of Sinterklaas in the harbour of Schiedam.

There are not many traditions left in contemporary Holland, but this one seems to survive the ages where Christmas is merely a religious festival. These days gifting happens at Christmas time as well, but it can’t compete with the original Sinterklaas celebrations.

Day 16: lesson in trust

2009-11-06T03:29:00.000-08:00

Just as I am trying to convince myself that going to Sydney for a long weekend to film at Mardi Gras 2010 is an extravagance I cannot afford, unexpected money is coming in to proof me wrong.

Day 15: Guy Fawkes

2009-11-05T03:36:00.000-08:00

Silly man, tried to blow up the British Parliament a looong time ago. What that's got to do with New Zealand I don't know, but I enjoyed the traditional fireworks nevertheless, the smell, the vibrating thunder, the spectacle of light... It's is a childhood thing, New Year's Eve is my birthday and the New year is heralded in with lots of fireworks in Holland, brings back happy memories.

The strangest picture I have ever taken of fireworks.

Day 14: when work is play

2009-11-04T22:59:00.000-08:00

I have been quite busy lately, trying as best as I can to balance work, life, developing my house design and making a film. An increased workload became enjoyable last week, eventhough I was working on a Sunday. I was asked to make art on camera for a DVD production for the school where I work. I created 2 large mixed media works on paper, mainly a collage of mono prints about the theme of pilgrimage. These two relating to a tall tower (about 100m) in my place of birth; Amersfoort, which used to be a pplace of pilgrimage. 2 details on one panel and 1 shot of the entire second panel 0.8x2.4m

Day 13: Diwali-Tihar

2009-10-18T04:08:00.000-07:00

Butterlamps in windows, on doorsteps, in flower mandala's on the street mark the start of the New Year in Nepal. Twice, some 20 years apart, I was fortunate enough to spend Nepalese New Year's in Kathmandu. These days electric festive lights take over, until one of the many power blackouts strike, allowing natural light to once again work it's wonder.

Happy Diwali (India), happy Tihar (Nepal), happy New Year (Nepal Era).

Day 12: as I think...(part 2)

2009-10-06T01:43:00.000-07:00

Click here for as I think...(part 1)

Day 11: the view from here

2009-10-01T03:40:00.001-07:00

Will I ever get tired of this view? I don't think so, better not anyway, as my new eco house with enjoy almost the same view. I am house sitting the first house I bought in this neighbourhood with my ex. When we split I moved next door into my second house in the hood. Then I seperated a bit of land, sold house no 2 and will build on lot no 3. So just hopping around the area. I love this little unknown corner of the city, quiet, surrounded by native bush and lots of native birds as there is a bird sanctuary close by.
Being back in this area for 1 week is a great reminder why I am going through the challenging process of building my house here.

I am not only minding the house but also Barney the dog and Kitty the cat, they both know me and give lots of unconditional love. Pets are great!

Day 10: relative traveling fatigue

2009-09-28T01:26:00.000-07:00

I am very titred today, a busy day at work followed by an exhausting slow journey home, not my home, I am house sitting this week, so a bit out of my routine. What a whimp I hear you say, I agree. Today is nothing compared to another journey I took in Nepal.

This is footage from 2007-2008. I was on my way from the capital Kathmandu to Lumbini on the border with India. A very different kind of travel with an maximum average speed of 40km/hours on rattling busses with noisy video players, loud horns, barely leg space and hard seats. Somehow that journey seemed less tyring than the half hour I spent today in the traffic jam on my way home. Part of the journey I traveled on the roofrack of the bus, just like I did 20 years earlier. Still as much fun, plenty of fresh air, no noisy music videos, great views, but a little more dangerous as these days electric wires can hang dangerously low accross the road. Riding busses in Nepal is not very safe, but apart from flying or walking there is no alternative. Danger is lurking around every corner, but traveling with the Nepalese is never boring, they make great company making you forget about the torturous long journeys that are only interupted by short chai stops. The scenery, well you can't get much better...

Day 9: enrichment process

2009-09-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

The first bit of mulch the new mulcher produced.

I am making space for the new eco cottage I am planning to build. I need to clear bushes and the odd tree, none to precious fortunately. It is my intention to recycle everything that needs to make way on the site. All trunks and branched have been chopped to firewood size, the twigs and leaves are mulched so they will enrich the soil they sprouted from. Once the building is done I will restore the garden with native planst and trees, some from cuttings I have taken before I started chopping.

I also intend to have a small vege garden and have some chickens. It is a small site and steep, but with enough space to practice permaculture on the smallest of scales. The house will be super insulated. have solar panels and underfloor heating with a heat exchange pump. It is all part to an attempt to reduce my carbon footprint while increasing comfort levels (older NZ houses aren't the best, often draughty, barely insulated and poorly heated). I can't wait for the house to be ready because I am ready. I know the house will enrich my life greatly. It will be worth the wait.

Day 8: I picked up an instrument...

2009-09-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

...for the first time in many years and tried a tune I remembered,
a Dutch one,
mixed it with some windmill footage,
just because I wanted to.

Day 7: to busk or not to busk...

2009-09-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

I used to play music when I was in my 20's, accordeon, tin whistles, spoons. I wasn't that good, but I loved it and even earned money playing in a medieval inn in the city of Delft. I saw musicians playing on the Sunday market, entertaining the crowds. I love buskers. They can brighten the dullest of places, like the tunnels of the London Tube stations. I want to play again, sing again...

Day 6: as I think...(part 1)

2009-09-22T01:33:00.001-07:00

Day 5: start-up

2009-09-21T01:14:00.000-07:00

Who wants to start the working week being nagged by a PC prompting you to press 3 buttons at the same time in order to get the blimming machine going? Not me. It defies logic. Why button twice when once will do? It is a scary thought that PC's dominate. I am so glad I have a Mac. It assumes intelligence, intuition, logic and values my time.

Day 4: Yay day with tulips

2009-09-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

The sign reads:

This bed of (5500) Daydream and White Dream tulips honour the people of Dutch heritage who have made Wellington their home. Orange is the national colour of the Netherlands.

That's me :)

You can never, NEVER have too many tulips.

Seeing all these tulips made me melancholy as I woke up this morning thinking: "it would be nice to drop-in on my family", but they are 20.000 km away. I left The Netherlands in 1988, I have changed so much that I feel I could never resettle there if I choose to. I can play being Dutch, but so many other non-Dutch aspects of me would find no expression there, making it difficult for me to feel whole. So Wellington is home, my base in the world where I feel comfortable. I can't help but lament the fact from time to time that it is impossible to just pop over for a weekend visit.

There should be a sign with this bed of tulips:

This bed of pink tulips honours the queer people of Dutch heritage who have made Wellington their home.

Day 3: Yay day.

2009-09-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

As I scootered through the city hills on my way to the pool, I got sidetracked to the Otari School fair. I found this Iranian hand-embroidered woolen cloth, a large Chinese bowl, an interesting ceramic object from Malaysia, a handpainted tray from New Zealand and a wooden sculpture from the Pacific Islands, all for only $21.00. Retail therapy that did not break the bank. All objects will find a place in my new house and garden.

Day 2: playtime

2009-09-18T02:49:00.000-07:00

When lunchtime comes, even during short morning or afternoon tea breaks, games are pulled out and taken to the lunchroom. Who can say that they play games with their colleagues at work just for the sheer pleasure of playing games? I am very fortunate that I can. I like my colleagues and enjoy their company very much.

Day 1: shifting perspective.

2009-09-17T02:39:00.000-07:00

This is one out of one hundred and nine photo's I took today. The days preceeding that day were grey as my mind only saw grey. I'd lost my mojo, shit happens, but I did not want to stay there and remembered the advice I once gave to a friend who had lost her mojo. "Take a picture a day" I suggested. Using a lens to view the world and your life provides a different point of view that allows for a shift in perspective. The day I took his picture I began to see beauty everywhere including in grey objects.